Loneliness and guilt, that state of mind where irrational meant nothing and no one are welcome, yet where no one seems to be interested in, that state of mind where guilt seems to destroy all logic and memories create waterfalls of tears when rejection hits home time and again!
Where did it all start I often ask myself and frankly I don’t know, perhaps I should have been more vigilant of my or my ex-partners reactions? I don’t know. Maybe our arguments or my hangup with neatness, who knows at what point my ex-found peace in another woman’s arms.
I have developed a peculiar amnesia and every now and again I seem to have momentum shakes but that pass, I don’t know if I should see a doctor as I am almost at Witt’s end! I should probably see a psychiatrist! I am not sure I am confused, am I the reason for my own circumstances…my ex-said I was!
More confused than a pig in Palestine, that is me and if I then was the architect of my own misery then I have to sort it out, or so I think! I was not good enough, too much cleanliness, too much neatness….is that so wrong? Pigs live in a mess, not humans!
Then remorse seem to kick in…what for I would ask myself over and over again, guilt hangs over me like an eagle waiting for a meal with his claws contracted ready to grab…the veins are swollen with expectation, any moment now!Then from somewhere, I do not know where a soft voice seems to want to impress on my mind that I am not bad! I honored my partner but I guess the green grass on the other side of the fence was too appetizing!
This situation was an unavoidable outcome of a relationship I had destroyed with pettish demands and expectations, I am the root cause of this rejection! Holding me responsible is not fair…I did not commit such a crime?
Kicking a dog when he is down by screaming and shouting when words are like knives penetrating my heart isolating my guilt as the cause of this rejection! Yes then nothing makes any sense anymore and suicide is a way out of this misery.
About two weeks ago I sat a table in shopping center having coffee when I noticed a shiny piece of paper lying on the table. Stretching out I took it, at the time it made no sense so I put it in a pocket and forgot about it.
Getting home I took off the jacket, as a habit does, felt through the pockets and once more found the piece paper. With more time on hand I looked again and wondered what the meaning of this is, that is if there is a meaning.
I forgive….No way…Why should I torment myself all over again! This does not and will not make any sense! I dumped the note in the dustbin and set about doing my things as the next day was Monday!
I won’t forget this Monday as that afternoon someone at work asked me if I had run across a soul mate, I just shook my head and went about my work. That evening, thinking of the work and the people at work the question once more reiterated in my mind…Soul Mate!
I decided to run a search on Google, unbeknown to me, this was the beginning of a new dawn, of what I am too scared! That Monday I landed on this site and the author challenged me to a commitment to forgive my ex!
That gelled my inner human being and for a solid two weeks I could not eat or drink, I would feel nausea if I drank water! I must confess I spent all my time reading all the articles on this site over and over again. Reading it gave me a sense of hope, not condemnation! I became aware of a nagging thought that life can have a different meaning!
“I learned that by forgiving my ex I am transferring the guilt right back and I will feel better afterward” I must admit this sounds too good to be true, but then the author raises another question “What can you lose?” Well, I guess face…but hey, I don’t know about this, just the thought freaks me out!
I must admit here and now, I was a fool for not taking a stand and do what was suggested because today, 3 months later I could get my guts together to take a stand and pass the guilt back to my ex. I can vouch for the absolute validity of this statement and following results as being true.
Allow me to say, this was the most difficult assignment I ever embarked on, my throat was sore from swallowing air! Despite all this I did meet my ex in a public place and said “I forgive you!” turned on my heel and walked away, not a single word more, not a single wordless! (I must admit a was curious but kept to the rule).
About 10 days later I noticed a reasonable improvement in all the clutter that seems to block my mind. When the phone rang, my ex-wanted another meet! For a moment I was dumbstruck, then I remembered this is the following up sequence so I said sorry I do not have time, replace the phone!
WOW!…Exactly to a T…just as the author said. Wow, did I suffer all these months simply just because I wanted to hold onto guilt, that was not mine! This dear reader made me think and soon I came to the realization that if this is true, which it apparently is, then there is hope for me and my baggage!
No one will ever know the value of this site and articles unless you needed a helping hand when you were lonesome! Thank you! Gladys Miller.
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